To be, or not to be?
- gauriraosharma
- Jul 6, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 7, 2023
"To be, or not to be?" might have been a question of life or death for Hamlet in Shakespeare's famous play. But in today's context, with such an emphasis on "be authentic", "be vulnerable". "bring your whole self to work" and so on, this phrase poses an existential question of a different kind- how much of my real self should I be in my professional, personal, social interactions? Can I stomp out of a meeting if I'm angry? Can I tell my in-laws how much I hate their eating habits? Can I tell someone I've met at a dinner party that they're boring me to death? Is it okay to send a nasty email to my boss when I'm passed over for a promotion? Or break down at work when I'm going through a messy divorce? Clearly, the goal is not to do and say whatever comes to our minds. As is with most things, it is a matter of discernment- how much how much do I want to differentiate myself versus how much do I want to be truly authentic?
On one hand, completely letting our guard down, communicating without filters and venting may make us feel temporarily good about ourselves but it could damage the quality of our relationships and erode our reputation in the long-run. On the other hand, being too much of a conformist and constantly having to adjust our behavior to the environment can make us feel uptight, stifled and exhausted to always try and 'fit it'.
Navigating the space between the two extremes needs inner work. We play multiple roles in life- son/daughter, parent, spouse, teacher, manager, social worker, coach, therapist and so on, depending upon the social setting we are in and possess a broad range of intrinsic behaviors and energies to serve those roles. We all have an image of who we believe we are and how we want to present ourselves in our roles. Being cognizant of our image and what's expected of us is good to the degree that it helps us be adaptive and enables us to move through life smoothly. But we often over-identify with only certain aspects of ourself and invest too much in just one role. We forget that in addition to being a hard-task- master at work we may also need to be the nurturing, compassionate parent to our children or vice versa. Though we have a broad range of responses available to us in any given situation, we get used to a default way of being because it brought us success in the past or we've been conditioned to act in certain ways. So although I may be able to assert myself at home around my children, I become over-adaptive at work, find it hard to speak my mind around those in authority positions. We need to switch our behaviors and actions based on the role we play- much like dressing differently for different occasions. What I wear to a job interview, a family gathering or a movie with friends may vary but it is ME in essence, just dressed differently and presenting myself differently to match the role I'm playing.
When we over-invest in a particular role, it makes us rigid. We derive too much of our identity from that role, making us very vulnerable to the attitudes and beliefs of others. We are easily knocked down and feel jealous, offended, outraged or belittled by others opinions of us. And when we are knocked down, the two most common responses are usually to fight back and defend ourselves in a self-righteous way or feel ashamed and small about ourselves. Either way, it's an inferiority complex that's been triggered because the image we have of ourselves has been wounded. Being self-aware enables us to look beyond- instead of pushing against the feeling of inferiority or believing ourselves to be inferior, asking ourselves:
Can we be curious about what's going on for us?
What are these strong feelings about?
Some self-reflective questions you could ask yourself are:
If it's someone I'm jealous about- what is it that I'm longing for, a quality valued in my culture that I may need to develop in myself- like being outgoing, wealthy, successful, able-bodied? Or is there a quality about myself that I'm not appreciating enough- like being introverted in a society that appreciates extroversion, being drawn to humanities when the sciences are the mainstream subject?
If I'm offended or outraged about something- what is it that I'm getting defensive about? What am I trying to protect here?
If it's anger I feel at being criticized- can there be a grain of truth in the criticism that I can confront without getting touchy?
Turning inward informs us of what needs to be done and find the agency to do what serves us and the situation well. It calls for being self-reflective and self-supportive so as to be resilient in the face of overwhelming situations, be aware of the choices we have rather than act in compulsive ways and engage with the world in a constructive manner. We cannot make the world conform to our needs for safety, but what we can do is to build the wherewithal and capacity to access to our inner resources to be sturdy from within. Then it doesn't matter much what the world around us does or is.
I am a facilitator for individuals and groups. I help my clients to deepen awareness of what's going on inside them and around them to lead fuller and more meaningful lives. If you found this post useful, look out for my upcoming online program on Finding Your Personal Power. I can be contacted via:
Email- gauri.raosharma@gmail.com
Phone- +1 469 996 2065
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